Uncomfortable.

The art of convincing people you care.
But not actually caring.
Actions and words.
Actions and words.
C'mon people.
It's not hard.

That's the only word I could get.
After reading quite a nice recount too.
Surprising. How people only see things
the way THEY want to see it.

They don't analyse.
The take a side,
and back up their points with,
whatever they can find that suits them.
It's really funny.
Because when someone asks me.
And I analyse.
I do it properly.
The bias may still be there.
But it's minimal.
Because I have the capacity to do so.
I don't think with me emotions.

Second chance?
If you plan to give one.
Give one properly.
Giving someone a second chance
whenever you know they'll fail,
is not called a second chance.

It's called stupidity.
'Don't get me wrong'
I'm not the type to give second chances.
But at least I have the decency
to give them properly when I do.

What kills me?
Knowing she just doesn't care,
at all.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo.

PS. See what I did today?
That was called: being nice and thoughtful.
The response? Well, I'll let you think about that.
Again you've managed to take what I've done,
and cast it all aside. Thanks :)

There she is.

Light brown/beige long sleeve top.
Short black skirt
Stockings
Boots.
Hair flowing with the light breeze.
Legs crossed.
Comfortably seated.

Sexy as ever.

Uninterested however.
I'm not interesting anyway right?

She makes me smile.
Just seeing her, hahaha.
I can't even contain it.
A smile is automatically formed,
when I lay my eyes on her.

What can I do though?

I'm going to jump to another topic.
She's beautiful though.
Pretty, sophisticated,
knows exactly how to handle herself.

I went music hunting today,
and lucky for me there were songs up!
I could finally get some new music to listen to.
Not that it made a difference.
Just a different song to hear while I think.

I'll give y'all a list.
Animal - R.I.O. ft. U-Jean
There She Goes - Taio Cruz ft. Pitbull
Heart Attack - Trey Songz
Scream - Usher
Payphone - Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa
Amnesia - Ian Carey ft. Rosette, Timbaland, Brasco
Right By Your Side - Chris Brown ft. Nicki Minaj
The Motto - Drake ft. Lil Wayne
The Fighter - Gym Class Heroes ft. Ryan Tedder

There were a few moar,
but can't remember them atm.

I hope I see her again.
I hope I can give her the gift,
of accepting my gifts,
and my presence.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Ring ~

My Heart's a stereo,
it beats for you so listen close.
Hear my thoughts in every note
oh-oh~

Make me your radio,
and turn me up when you feel low

That one person,
I set a unique ringtone for.
I've finally heard it.
So I run over to my phone.
Pretty face smiling at me~
-Slide to answer call.

It was magical.
Everything just disappeared.
The rush, that sense of surprise.
It felt good to feel it again.
I forget everything.
Just to put that phone to my ear.

The voice didn't say much,
but it was the voice nonetheless.
I smiled,
saying Hello a few times,
before I realised what it was.
I kept it next to my ear for as long as I could.

It brought a smile to my face.
That's the voice I'd give everything for.

^__________________^

A glimpse of hope, maybe?


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Should I?

I don't even know.
This use to be the easiest thing.
I wouldn't even need to think.
I'd just be there,
Things would be good.
But I don't even know now.
Should I go?
Grab a coffee or a boost.
Sit down,
Talk,
See how things are.

But no.
Things aren't that easy anymoar.
I wish they were.
They can be.
It's just that now...
I'm scared that my presence...
would only bring grief...
sorrow...
and would make me moar repulsive
than I already am.

So?
Do I go, and be a good person I am?
Or should I not go,
and risk leaving an impression that
I don't care?
Do I go, and try and produce a smile?
Or should I not go,
because
I'm not wanted there?

Decisions.
Dilemmas.
Troubles.

I want to.
But I'm really not sure.
My minds unsettled.
Sleeps not going to be forgiving.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

L

One Thing.
If you hurt as well,
You wouldn't be treating me like this.
Moar importantly.
You wouldn't be treat yourself like this
by purposely treating me the way you do.

And yes. That DOES make sense.
It's gotten to the stage now where...
It's blatantly obvious.

Let's talk about a surprise.
When you go to a birthday party.
That is one that you do not know about.
One that you did not expect.
And the people there surprise you.
Now.
First thing after you're surprised,
what do you do?
You're shocked.
Dumbfounded.
For a short period of time.
Then you smile, or laugh,
or cry.
Because you're glad and happy.

I was informed by actions recently...
[Because actions speak louder than words]
That you first act surprised.
Then you proceed to continue acting surprised.
Stand dumbfoundedly.
And then promptly resume life
Like nothing ever happened.

To be honest.
At VERY first.
I thought words counted.
Then I thought.
Actions were louder than words.
And indeed they are.
BUT.
The pairing of actions AND words.
Is essential.
Because when you mouth the words of actions.
And act on a different set of words.
You're lying.
It doesn't matter to who.
Because you're lying to yourself.

-----------------------------------------------------

It's been a long time since I've been talked to.
A long time since I've been texted even.
A long time since I was interesing.

So before you assume you know it all.
Think.
And maybe.
Just maybe.
Someone has already done and been through,
What you thought you just found out.

THEN tell me it's hard.
THEN you can tell me you know how it feels.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

PS. What would make you happy right now?
My real answer: You know exactly what would.

I feel nothing.

I explained to a friend today.
Feeling nothing, is the most obvious way of seeing that you don't feel nothing.
It's like when someone says, 'It's alright.'
That's probably the best indicator that it's NOT alright.
Well, excluding the cases with a simpler context.

Today was a long and somewhat confusing day.
Emotionally confusing for one, that I must admit to.
Being a guy doesn't really encompass expressing yourself.
Well, I'm a guy, and I'm doing it now.
Okay, okay, laugh all you want.

But it's not just that. I had hours to think today.
'I feel nothing' came out like it was a statement that was thrown around every time this topic was touched.
But... perhaps it was too carelessly said.
So I immediately said what I thought.
I don't get to do that much.
Apparently I have to keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself.
Any expression would just be used to slap me right across my face.

And yes, my friend was indeed hurt. And completely lost.
This'll be anti-climactic, but my phone rang.
I just hope my explanation of that simple concept remained in the air.
Long enough to be taken in,
to be thought about.

And after a whole day of thinking, acting, pretending.
Actually feeling. Feeling quite strongly actually.
It was all too much.
I was like a robot.
My mum rang me. My friend rang me.
Both times. I pulled out my phone.
Looked at it. And realised I needed to pick it up.
I slid the bar of the iPhone to answer the calls.
But they had stopped ringing.

Wherever I went today.
I walked alone most of the way.
My man TSD was able to accompany a not-so-talkative Jyamaigo for a little ways.
But other than that. It felt like there was no one around.
The person I wanted by my side the most,
Well, I don't want to think of what she was doing.

And so my conclusion today?
I can tell y'all right now.
Listen carefully.
Read precisely.

I feel nothing.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Not a Word.

It's nothing. These days, what you type isn't even read.
I read somewhere, something very interesting.
Something I have experience of, first-hand experience.
I'm not proud of knowing I have had this experience either.

When you hate someone,
Everything becomes offensive.

I'll leave that thought with you.
Wherever you may be on that roller-coaster.
Whoops.
I meant 'in life'.

I ran today. 1 hour. 1-2 minute break.
It felt good. It felt refreshing.
It was 9:30-10:30pm at night.
But that made it a lot clearer.
The air was clearer, the air had that slight chill.
It was fresh.
My mind was clearer.
So I thought. I understand.
But I still don't get it.

I have things to do.
Things to get done.
I'm still missing what I need.
I still haven't seen someone properly,
in months.

Maybe I deserve this.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo.

Hate.

Apparently I'm two-faced now.

But there's really not much I can say to that.

And you know the title of this post?

I've been using that as fuel lately.

It feels wrong, and it feels nowhere as good,

as the opposite action.

But it's all I have now.

And I'm an actor.

And when someone wants me to stop acting...

They're not gonna like what they created.

Not

One

Bit.

Take it easy,

Mr. Jyamaigo

LG?

I wish.
And don't we all?
I'm back here, doing my usual rambling and so on.
Two exams down this week, funny how some people ACTUALLY don't care now.
Funny? You know when people start a statement or question with...
"It's funny how..."
Funny how...most of the time... It's NOT funny.
It sounds ridiculous too.
Life's been shitty.
I want to spend money. But what on?
I want to drink and have a good time. But what for?
I want some motivation. I'm feeding off pure negative energy at the moment.
Makes it sound like some sinister movie character. Negative Energy. lol.

And what's up with the full stops?
Emphasis? Did English techniques really stick THAT much?
I doubt it.

Recently had a conversation with a friend.
This person finds absolutely no motivation.
The balance of work and uni...
The freedom of the weekend, and the time spared after work and uni times...
Just needs something to do.
To which I say,
If your life is too planned out.
You'll get bored.
So enjoy it, and enjoy the mysteries and the things you can't control.
Forcing control and forging a path can only be done if it is done perfectly.

Here's where I'll introduce my idea of ... 'Semi-planning'
[Now I'm not sure if anyone else has thought of this... but it just popped into my head one day]
Like the word itself. It's vague.
It's a vague sense of where you're going.
It's a VERY flexible timetable.
It's a creator of freedom without losing sight of what's important.
You may have one goal.
You may have a dream of sorts.
[But since a goal is just a dream with a plan... Just make it a goal too!]
And you can workout how it works.
You build around this structure.

So the fastest way to your goal is a linear path.
Now you take the extras and bonuses,
And put them out like branches. But no moar.
One branch, maybe two. But no moar.
You then go along this pathway and select which branch you'll work on achieving...
BUT, it has to be in parallel to what your main goal(s) is/are.

This idea sounds a bit whack,
And it probably sounds like it will become VERY complicated.
And the truth is... It will.
It's just that with the semi-planning.
Life is still interesting.
Things will come in good time.
Given that you are expecting results for the the efforts you, yourself have put in.

Because if you expect moar than your initial efforts...
All the plans in the WORLD wouldn't satisfy you.
I'm not saying to lower your expectations.
I'm merely saying to expect as much as you've worked for.
In doing this...you might even find some unexpected surprises along the way.

Wow, that was quite long.
Well, everything's still the same on my end.
I'm still miserable.
But c'est la vie.
No one cares.
Or maybe I care too much.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

It's begun.

The transition into a moar strict routine.
It helps, and it's usually for the better, but following the schedule... Just leaves there moar noticeable times where I stop and think. The weather's definitely not helping, it feels the hell like a B-Grade movie, how the weather is somehow mystically controlled by a character's emotions and feelings. But 'meh'.

Smashing some weights out at the gym, I have to say, usually I'd be impressed at the improvements I've made. But now? There's not even a reaction. It's just my mind telling me that it's nothing, and to just keep going. There's nothing to show for it, there's no incentive. It's all just for the bland and obvious aim. To get to the finish. And I don't even know what's there. Some say the Destination IS the Journey. But now that the journey's turned into something worthless and completely unacknowledgeable. The only thing that keeps the show up is the fact that the actor in me still finds it worthwhile. The actor will act, and the truth will be kept. After all. Who wants to listen to the truth right? Everyone wants to listen to what's entertaining and always interesting. That's why there are crazes that people go through, and it won't always be just the same thing that will be catching everyone's attention ALL the time.

I'd like to have my head above the clouds. To maybe imagine that somehow, I could be something else for a while. I know, I know. Just be yourself. But still. Sometimes it seems that being myself isn't really the answer. I'm sure you've all felt this before. You don't even want to be anything. What if you're just...nothing for a while?

Well. That's how I've been... acting like a nothing pretty much LOL.
Caring doesn't work.
It'll make you annoying.
Lesson learned.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Roadrunner.

There's no stopping.
It's just moving,
as fast as it can.
Onward.
The talks boring.

Realisation of an assignment.
Scary stuff.
Nothing's impossible.
Impossible is nothing.
So it's done and submitted.
Quick and easy.

I wish her well with hers.
She seems quite stressed,
and under pressure lately.
How can I help?
I want to help.
Conversation won't start though.
The replies are like the weather.
Cold.
And the weather's strong too.

Make it better please?
I'm missing something so much.
But nothing's missing me.
Come then, assignments
assessments, distractions,
pessimism.

And I wonder,
if anyone knows,
how it feels.

Not feeling too good.
Physically and mentally.
These winter days will be harsh.
And they haven't even started yet.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Right.

A message.
At the right time.
At that exact moment.
Can be as quick,
as the flick of a switch.
To anything.
Any feeling.
And to anyone.

It's been cold.
How y'all been doin'?
I realised I've been...
Talking to myself...
Somewhat...

Every once in a while.
It's good to get a grip,
on reality.
Just to see what's goin' on.

What did I get a grip on?
B.o.B.'s new album.
Strange Clouds.
It's quite good,
The music's a little different.
Songs are good.
Give it a listen.

Other than that,
reality's been freezing cold.
Pun - indeed- intended.

Well, so much to do.
I really don't know,
what to do...
how to act...

Well, push everything else aside.
It's a special day tomorrow...
or...technically...today.
So make it special.
There should be moar than just one,
of these days to celebrate,
what our mothers have done for us.
So since there's only one.
Make it a memorable one.
And reward her,
and let her know,
how special and important she is.
Mother's Day.
Make it special~


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Contrast.

Black. White.
Light. Dark.
Warm. Cold.

We all had that before right?
I mean. The type of feeling...
Where you're physically...
warmed up and feeling comfortable.
In bed after a long day of work?
Shower on a cold day perhaps?
How the realisation of such,
triggers that soft and gently
Sigh~
A smile perhaps.
Followed by the continued
enjoyment of the feeling.
Hopefully.
For as long as it lasts.

There's also another way,
this type of feeling could play out.
When you're warm,
feeling cosy.
You realise the feeling,
or at least the familiarity.
Then it's like your insides,
just froze.
A smile tries to creep on,
as that's the natural reaction.
But you can't.
You feel nothing.
You feel like nothing.
Trying to think of happy things...
only makes it worse.

What's worse?
It's not that no one cares.
Because you know they don't.
It's the fact that...
The person who you want, to care.
Doesn't care.
Doesn't know.
Doesn't want to know.

Motivation.
Determination.
Inspiration.
These can stem from
any feeling.
It's just a lot easier,
when it stems from a positive thing.

And right now?
I don't even know,
where I can get ANY of that.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Questions.

Unanswered?
Or maybe I don't want,
The answer.

Everything I've done.
Has become...
The things I haven't done.
Does this make sense?
Is this fair?
Really?
Everything that you do,
becomes undone,
because...
you're just not that guy anymoar.
And when you're not,
that guy anymoar.
You pay the price.
For all your effort.

Nothing is seen of you.
Nothing is wanted from you.
Nothing wants to be heard from you.
NOTHING.

yet it means EVERYTHING
to you.
It USE to mean EVERYTHING.

It's not that easy?
It's not that simple?
It is.
And it's plain and simple.
TRY.

But no.
Even that's too much.
I don't know...
What's wrong with me.
But I'm angry.
I'm pissed off.
I'm frustrated.
I'm weak.
I'm hurt.

And if I said.
I felt nothing.
You'll all know...
It's the BIGGEST
LIE.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Something unknown.

Little Box.
Labels.
Technical Terms.
Jargon... they call it.

Funny thing is though.
Next to the labels.
It was uniform.
The whole column.
Noughts.
Zeros.
0.

Then what is it?
I have no idea.
It's definitely not the first time,
I've tried something,
without knowing what it was.

But it's another one of the first times.
Choosing.
To try something.
Having no idea what it is.
Well.
Not knowing in depth.

It's a risk though.
And right about now.
There's nothing moar...
I want to do...
Than take a risk.

I don't want the control.
It'll do what it does.
And...
Well...
Either way.

I'm confident.
It'll be good.
No,
It's not a belief.
It's a choice.
And I'm making it.

Sounds fun right?!
;P

I'll let y'all know.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Noise.

Have you been hated before?

Have you hated someone before?

The noise is unbearable.
Even in the silence.
It doesn't matter what you do.
It's always going to be there.
It's trapped in there.
Not just anywhere.
But in your head.
Where it'll stay.
Unless a single word.
Can join both parties.

I know words which fit,
That description.
But I know not which one to use.

I hear arguments everyday.
Morning
Afternoon
Evening
Midnight, sometimes.

Both sides battling it out.
Taking a stab.
Realising it's wrong.
Taking another stab,
just to cover up the last one.
And on it goes.
Oh, the hate.

When people tell you that,
Two negatives,
make a positive.
Don't believe them.
It doesn't.
I can see clearly,
When I hear these...
Exchange of words.
But it's not my call.

It's never going to be.
I feel the truth in rare moments.
Where I realise why this...
Argument...
Has taken place to begin with.
It pains me.
To feel...
That they know how they feel.
They just don't know how...
The other feels.
They just don't want to be the...
Weak one.
So to speak.

Little do they know...
That if they both understood,
How much support they
actually need to provide each other...
There would not be...
Even a Single Second
That can be wasted...
Arguing.

To everyone else though.
It's just noise.
A din.
Annoying and unbearable.
Sometimes even the closest people...
Just want to tell them to shut up.

Dig deeper though.
Discarding one item,
and acquiring another...
is just the easy way out.
You can't keep replacing,
forever.

Fixing things when they break,
is the hardest step.
But it's the one that's right.
The one that will heal you.
The one that will teach you.
The one that will show you...

That it doesn't have to be like this.
It can be 'like how it use to'.
But it doesn't stop there.
When you hit a low point.
The only way you can go, is up.
So go up.
It will only get better.

There's never a good reason.
To hurt.

So next time you run into something.
Fix it.
[it's always easier said than done.]
Give it your all.
And fix it.

It saves everything.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

PS. wish I could talk.

It's past 3am.

All I can hope for... Is that they all had fun. Celebrated well. Rest and enjoy a day. What am I doing up? I have work tomorrow. I don't care. It's past 3am. iPhone screens lit. Typing on the small keys. Thinking Of only one thing. There's silence. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm ... Freezing. I'm alone. In the darkness. Take it easy, Mr. Jyamaigo

Un-understand.

Where you use to know.
Always knew.
Now you know not.
Now you pretend...
To know not.
And now,
You've done it so much...
You're not sure...
If you actually know...
At all.

Woke with blood in the mouth.
Staring at bloody bruise marks,
on my shoulders.
Woke yesterday with a long cut,
down the side of my calf muscle.
Wake everyday...
Wishing for a better day.
A day where I can...
See that person again.
See that person...
Standing there looking...
at me.
Sitting there...
Sipping coffee with me.

I have no reason.
To do anything.
I have nothing.
To look forward to.

And still...
That person still doesn't...
See
or
Hear
me.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo

Can you hear me?

You.
Can you hear me?
At all?
You're in distress.
Are you there?
You're under stress.
Let me help you.

Maybe...

No, not maybe.
Let me.
Don't even think.
Can't you see?
SiiGH.

Meh...

It's been all too quiet.
I'm blind now.
I haven't seen
What I've wanted to see,
for a long time.
I'm deaf too.
I haven't heard a single word.
I'm unable to feel.

Wish you could hear me.


Take it easy,
Mr. Jyamaigo