I remember it like it just happened
I could've sworn it was a dream
But in reality it hit me like a nightmare
Or at least that's how it seemed
If you're reading this then I guess I've made up my mind. I sat here for a while thinking. Just thinking. About everything. You. Me. Everyone. It's what we do when things don't go the way they're supposed to, isn't it? We just think and mull it over and analyse and try to figure out what went wrong and why it happened that way and how we could've changed it or stopped it or played it out until we go round and round in circles chasing something that was never really there. And then we stop. Because we explode. I guess that's where I am now. I couldn't take it so I exploded. Ghost.
I guess you'll want to know why.
To the two of you. You raised me and made me who I am. My own inadequacies were no fault of your own. I learnt them from a world you tried your best to protect me from. I told myself I didn't want shelter and there wasn't anything you could've done to change that. I'm sorry I guess. No, I know I'm sorry. I really am. I'm also really thankful. For you. For having someone around me always that I could've turned to, whether I knew it or not. For everything you taught me. For everything you told me, whether or not I wanted to hear it. For showing me the good from the bad. I only wish I was able to see sooner. For being everything I needed and more. For everything.
To him, my angel on Earth. You won't even understand what's going on. You won't get what's happened. For a while you'll be lost. Then you'll get used to it. Then you'll get comfortable all over again. And then I'll be forgotten. It tears at me that I know this. That it will happen. That you won't know why. It sucks that I won't be able to answer your questions and that you won't be able to ask them anyway. I hate that someone else will be there. But you showed me more love than anyone can ever know. It's all you know how to give. You creature of love and joy. Thank you too. For everything.
To the trio who kept me sane all these years, my other family. I wouldn't have gotten half as far as I did without you three. You were the side of life a lost little kid needed to see. You brought happiness, strength and stability to the boy. The boy's all grown up now. Guess what, there's nothing you can do about that. Baby boy grew up. And he didn't like where he found himself. But your pull saved him at times. Just remember that. You were the ones he looked up to, looked forward to, looked for. Many thanks, famiglia. For everything.
To her. You brought me here, I guess. It took you a while but I won't lie, you led me all the way. It was fun at first. Then it turned sour, evil, rotten. That forbidden fruit. Fighting was never on the agenda. "We weren't meant to be, we just happened." Life would've been different without you. I'm not sure how it would've gone but I won't learn now. War was never your colour. I hope you learn that for next time. There's a lot of words I never said. And if I never said it, I'm sorry too. For everything.
To what was or will be. Some legacy I left you with. You won't know me and I won't know you. The world already ruined you. You were the product of someone else's pain. I'm sorry. For everything
To the one that inspires me. Everything you showed me was life changing. Everything you did was a blessing. Everything I saw in you, you somehow found a way to see in me. My only wish is that I did more for you. Thank you. For saving my life.
To Him, be glory.
Signed, sealed and delivered.
............................................
(-redacted- -redacted-)
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It amazes me that I've come so far from that unwritten letter. So damn far. That it's just a speck in the distance now. Pain is something we all learn to go through. Heartbreak, stress, terror, hopelessness and despair. They can crush, kill and destroy you. You just need to find something worth fighting for.
Everyone in that letter knows how I feel. What I feel. They'd probably be surprised if they read it. Because they've seen how far I've come. They know I've found my place. They know I'll never go back. I have everything I'll ever need. I've lost what I didn't. I'm refreshed. I won the battle and the war. I am happy.
Follow in my footsteps,
Patty McFatty
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